


take these broken wings (and learn to fly again)

by ariquitecontrary



Category: IT - Stephen King
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M, Secret Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-30
Updated: 2019-09-30
Packaged: 2020-11-08 14:09:47
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,346
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20836772
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ariquitecontrary/pseuds/ariquitecontrary
Summary: Eddie Kaspbrak and Richie Tozier are in love. And they're the only ones who know it.





	take these broken wings (and learn to fly again)

**Author's Note:**

> My first "official" little Reddie fic and it is a walking trope fest. It's kind of just me trying to get a feel for writing in this fandom. :)
> 
> Thanks to @steve-ahoy on tumblr who is an absolute angel and helped me with this plot, and gave me lovely ideas. Thank you for staying up till 3am to talk about all things Reddie with me. :) I love you!!! 
> 
> ((no beta so please forgive me for any mistakes))
> 
> Hopefully someone likes this because I love writing for these two sweet boys. :)

Richie Tozier kisses like it’s an art form. He wears a lot of chapstick now, Spearmint flavored, so his lips are never chapped like they used to be. He likes to use his hands to reach out and touch. He doesn’t really care what he touches; hair, skin, clothing. He just likes to be able to _feel_. He kisses deeply and passionately as if the person he’s kissing is the only thing in the world that matters to him. It’s easy to get lost in his kisses for hours. 

Eddie Kaspbrak is kind of addicted to kissing him. 

It hadn’t been anything serious at first. It was New Year’s Eve and Ben and Bev were cuddled under a tree while Stan and Bill were sitting in the hot tub together, and even Mike was sweet talking to a pretty girl he’d been casually seeing named Hannah. Fireworks were going off as it got closer and closer to midnight and Eddie was sitting on top of Bill’s grandparent’s roof with Richie right next to him. 

_“This is so romantic,” Richie says overly affectionately so Eddie knows that he’s being an idiot. The countdown to the new year is beginning and from up here, they can hear the loud chanting of everyone counting together. “Oh, Eds! Hold me!” He throws himself onto Eddie dramatically and Eddie snorts with laughter as he tries to push Richie off of him._

_“I don’t understand how you’re so freaking heavy when you look like a string bean,” Eddie gasps out, partly because he’s still laughing and partly because Richie _is_ heavy. He can’t deny the sudden feeling of happiness and adoration that comes over him as Richie sits up and wraps an arm around him loosely, though. _

_He’s known everyone here for years, some of them he’s even known longer than Richie, but for some reason Richie has always been so much _more_. They all have someone that they gravitate to a little more than everyone else and for Eddie that person is Richie; it’s always been Richie. He can’t help but feel like it will always be Richie. _

_“Can’t believe Stan and Bill finally opened their eyes,” Richie says after a while, voice uncharacteristically soft. Eddie follows his gaze to where Bill and Stan are. They’re not sitting on top of each other or anything, but they’re sitting close enough that Eddie has a feeling they’re holding hands under the water. Stan’s entire focus is on Bill as the other boy talks to him happily. They’ve never looked so content and Eddie momentarily wonders what that kind of happiness feels like. _

_Then he looks back up at Richie and he knows. His heart never beats quite as quickly as it does when he’s around Richie. He never feels as light and carefree as he does when he’s around the other boy. Richie holds him and he feels like nothing in the world can ever possibly hurt him. He knows what real happiness is and he knows that because he’s in love with Richie Tozier. _

_It doesn’t hit him like a train or cause him to suck in a deep breath or take a step back. It washes over him like a gentle drizzle of rain. It wraps him up in its arms like the familiar embrace of your childhood blanket. It takes his hand and lifts it up and places a soft kiss against it and whispers: “Can I kiss you?” _

_Five, four, three, two… _

_“Yes.” _

_One. _

It doesn’t matter that their first kiss was almost a year ago, Eddie can still remember everything about it. He can remember Richie’s shaky hands as he cupped his face. He can remember everyone cheering as the New Year rang in. He remembers the beautiful fireworks that seemed to make Richie look even more beautiful as they went off behind him. He remembers how he shivered, because he was cold and because Richie was kissing him with his chapped lips. A little bit has changed since then, but it’s mostly all the same. It’s the same because Eddie’s been in love with Richie for almost half his life, loving Richie isn’t new to him, and it’s different because for the first time ever, he’s allowed to tell Richie that. 

“You taste like pickles,” Richie says against his lips. “Did you eat pickles?” He leans back in and _licks_ at Eddie’s lips like he’s some kind of dog and Eddie shrieks and jumps back. 

“Gross, Rich!” He wipes his lips with the back of his hand, but he’s not actually grossed out, not anymore. He’s so used to Richie and his overly affectionate ways, in fact he kind of loves them, but he’ll never give him the satisfaction of knowing that. 

“You know I love pickles.” Richie grins and continues to lick and bite and practically _eat_ Eddie’s face and he should be grossed out, but he’s laughing so much against Richie’s lips that he just kind of forgets that he should be. “And I love you.” He says the words softly as he stops the attack on Eddie’s face. He pulls back and places his hands on Eddie’s cheeks, cupping his face. He’s looking at him in a way that he doesn’t look at anyone else. It’s nice that he can have every single part of Richie; even the parts that he refuses to show the rest of the world, the parts that are only his and Eddie’s. 

“I love you, Trashmouth.” 

Richie smiles and it takes up his whole freaking face. “You know I love when you call me such sweet things, Eddie Spaghetti.” He pinches Eddie’s cheek and then moves back when Eddie tries to hit him. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry! So how do you feel about the movies tonight? They’re doing some kind of special showing of Halloween and you know it’s Bev’s favorite movie.” 

“I don’t know,” Eddie says hesitantly. “You know I’m not the biggest horror fan.” 

“That’s okay! You’ll have me. You can cling to me and hold me and whisper sweet nothings to me during the scary parts. I promise I’ll take your mind off of what’s happening.” He gives Eddie a suggestive look that lets him know _exactly_ what he’s thinking right now. 

“You know we can’t.” Eddie’s voice is gentle and wary, like he’s trying not to hurt Richie, because well, that’s the truth. 

Richie’s face doesn’t fall, not really at least, but his smile falters just a little and the light that had just been in his eyes seems a little less bright. He hunches over, not sitting as tall and proud as he had been just a few seconds ago. Eddie feels like shit, but he knows he doesn’t have the right. 

It’s not like he wants to keep this thing between them a secret, because he doesn’t. He wants, more than anything, to be able to hold Richie’s hand in public without their friends just laughing and rolling their eyes because ‘Richie’s just an affectionate person in general’. He wants to be able to rest his head against Richie’s while they watch movies in public. He wants to be able to grab Richie and kiss him the way that Stan and Bill do; without any care in the world about who sees. But Stan and Bill aren’t Richie and Eddie and despite however strict Stan’s parents are, they still accepted their son coming out to them and they love Bill as if he’s their own. And Bill’s parents are quite possibly the most accepting people in the world who, although a little baffled because they thought he was still with Beverly even though it’s been _years_, simply smiled and told Bill they would love him no matter what and just wanted him to be happy. 

Bill and Stan’s parents are not Eddie’s mom. His mother who turned her nose up at the gay couple they had seen at the mall that one time. His mother who gives Bill and Stan a wary look and tells Eddie to ‘be careful around those people’. His mother who hates Richie enough already. His mother who would absolutely send him away if she knew he was in love with _anyone_, much less ‘that troubled boy’ named Richie Tozier. 

He hates keeping it a secret from everyone and he knows that Richie hates it even more, even if he doesn’t admit it. But he knows how simple it is to let something slip up and the last thing he needs is one of his friends saying something around the wrong person and having it get back to his mother. Or even worse, having his mother overhear one of their conversations about how stupidly in love Eddie is with Richie. He just can’t take that chance, and so this thing between him and Richie stays just that; a thing that’s only between them. No matter how much they hate it. 

“We don’t have to fuck in the middle of the theatre,” Richie says with a bit of an attitude. “But can’t we do this?” He reaches out and grabs Eddie’s hand, squeezing it between his a little more tightly than he normally would. Their hands fit perfectly in between each other’s like they were made for this, like they were always supposed to end up here. Eddie can’t focus on the sweetness behind that though, all he can focus on is the hurt that hides behind Richie’s eyes. 

“Richie,” he whispers and squeezes back. “I don’t… we can’t.” 

Richie looks at him like he’s waiting for him to change his mind. His eyes are searching, but Eddie doesn’t know for what. Answers, maybe, but not the kind that he wants. Then, almost as if it’s in slow motion, Eddie watches as he lets out a sigh and moves back from him. It’s hard to move away on this bed, but Richie does. Eddie tries to pretend like it doesn’t break his heart. 

“Okay,” Richie says. “Well, I’ll tell Beverly that we can’t make it.” He sounds robotic, like he’s saying the words because he thinks they’re what Eddie wants to hear, but they aren’t. 

“Hey, we can still go,” he says and forces himself to smile. “I know how much you like horror movies.” 

Richie looks down, his glasses sliding off the bridge of his nose a little bit. It doesn’t matter that they’re seventeen and his stupid coke bottle glasses are so outdated, he refuses to get a new pair or contacts. Eddie teases him for it and he might just tease him for the rest of their lives, but secretly he loves the glasses. He hopes Richie never stops wearing them. 

When he looks back up, he’s smiling at Eddie like the past five minutes didn’t just happen. 

“I just like them because they make you do that really high pitched squeal that’s so cute.” 

“Shut up, asshole.” 

They laugh and Eddie thinks they can work this though this still. 

.

.

.

The theatre is packed, which is kind of annoying to Eddie because they have to sit a little closer to the front than he would normally like. 

“Popcorn?” Beverly asks from where she sits next to him. He reaches out and takes a handful before passing it along to Richie, who takes some and passes it to Bill. “Candy?” She hands him some Skittles but these are just for the two of them. 

“I’m glad you came. I know you don’t really like these kinds of movies.” 

Eddie smiles at her. “But I love you guys.” 

“Gross,” Stan says from the end of their row. “We should have a ‘mush jar’ and whenever you say mushy shit like that, you have to put a dollar in it.” 

“It’s s-sweet,” Bill says with a frown at his boyfriend. 

“It’s disgusting.” 

“Like you don’t say mushy stuff to Bill all the time!” Mike defends Eddie. _“Oh, Bill. Blue looks really good on you.”_

_“Bill! Did you do something different with your hair today? It looks so nice,”_ Beverly teases. 

_“Bill, my love, tell me we’ll be together forever,”_ Ben joins in as he grips Beverly dramatically. 

“I fucking hate you guys,” Stan mumbles, but both he and Bill are grinning at each other. 

Eddie’s laughing at the whole ordeal, but he can’t help but notice that Richie isn’t. Richie would usually be making just as much fun of Stan as everyone else, but he stays completely quiet and still. The only give away sign is the way his lips turn up a little before falling again. 

“You okay?” Eddie asks quietly enough that no one else pays attention to them. 

Richie looks down at him and grins happily, but it doesn’t quite meet his eyes.. “Of course, Spaghetti boy. I’m with you, why wouldn’t I be happy?” Stan snorts at the comment and raises his eyebrows as if to say _‘And you guys think I’m bad?’_

“Don’t call me that,” Eddie frowns. “It’s even worse than Eddie Spaghetti.” 

“Ah ha! I knew you liked that one!” 

“I do not!” He whines, but his cheeks brighten a little in color. He’ll never admit it, but maybe he does like the stupid little nicknames that Richie has for him. He has a feeling that Richie knows either way, if the way he winks down at Eddie is anything to go by. His eyes don’t look so sad now and Eddie wishes that they never would. 

The movie isn’t scary, but Eddie places his jacket (that he actually stole from Richie) over his and Richie’s laps. It’s way too dark for anyone to see anything so Eddie slides his hand underneath it and reaches out blindly for Richie’s. When he finds it, he grips it so tightly and Richie looks down at him in surprise. The light from the screen is enough for him to be able to see the smile that lights up the other boy’s face. He squeezes back just as tightly and as their fingers intertwine with each other’s while Michael Meyers tries to kill Laurie Strode, Eddie can’t help but wish that he were brave enough to move the jacket away. 

.

.

.

Beverly and Ben break up. 

It’s weird, because Ben is the sweetest person Eddie knows, which is saying a lot because he knows Bill Denbrough and Mike Hanlon. He can’t imagine Ben ever doing anything to make anyone upset, especially not Beverly of all people, because he thinks the sun shines out of her ass. Beverly herself looks at Ben like he hung the fucking moon for her and Eddie is having a hard time understanding how the hell _that_ managed to crash and burn. 

“I don’t want to talk about it,” Beverly says, not unkindly but not kindly either. Her voice is almost void of emotion as she takes a hit from her cigarette. Eddie hates the smell and everything it stands for, and if this were any other day then he would say something, but she looks so sad and lost that he stays quiet. 

“Are you okay?” He asks instead. It’s a stupid question with a very obvious answer, but he asks it anyway. 

Beverly lets out a breath and it’s way too shaky to be normal. For a moment he’s scared that she’s going to cry. He’s not good with crying people, but he doesn’t think he’d be able to handle a crying Beverly _at all_. She’s always so well put together and strong. She’s the one they go to when they have problems. The fact that she could crumble right here and now has his stomach feeling like it’s in all kinds of knots. But then she sniffs and sits up straighter. 

“Don’t fall in love,” she says simply. 

“You don’t mean that,” he says instead of admitting that he’s in love and he’s been in love with the same person for all these years. “Love is… tricky. It hurts sometimes, sure, but it’s also the best thing we can have. You and Ben will work it out, I know you will.” Her head snaps towards his and for a moment she looks furious, maybe at the audacity of him, but then her face softens. 

“Oh, Eddie. If anyone of us deserve to have love, its you.” She puts out the cigarette and reaches out to grab his hand. He holds it and he tries not to compare it to Richie’s. “I just… what if I’m not good enough?” 

“Good enough?” He echoes, confused. 

“For Ben.” Her voice is quiet and sad in a way that he’s never heard it, not even when she told him about her shitty father; not even when her shitty father died. She’s never sounded so broken in all the time he’s known her and it’s a scary, sad thing to see. 

“What?” He asks, bewildered. “Beverly, why would you even think something like that?” 

She bites at her lip like she doesn’t really want to say it, or maybe she doesn’t know how. Eddie stays quiet and waits patiently. 

“His aunt made a comment.” She shrugs. “I’m used to comments, you know? But hearing someone in his family say it, well, I guess that just hits a little differently.” She crosses her legs then uncrosses them. “He’s going to MIT and I’m… I’ll just be here in Derry.” 

“I thought you applied to Boston?” 

“I did, but what’s the chance of them actually accepting me?” She sighs. “Let’s face it, Eddie. Maybe I’m just meant for Derry.” 

“No,” he says firmly. “You’re not. None of us are, but especially not you, Bev. You’re going to do great, amazing things regardless of whether you go to Boston U or not. Maybe Ben will be by your side or maybe he won’t.” Beverly’s eye shine at the truth behind that statement. The fact is, they don’t know where the hell they’ll be a year from now, but… “I do know one thing though, I’ll be there. And I know I’m not as handsome as Ben, but I’d like to think I’m pretty okay.” 

Beverly laughs and it’s loud and happy and it’s the first real laugh she’s given in days. Eddie finds himself laughing along with her. 

“You’re the most handsome,” she tells him and then she brings him in for a hug. He doesn’t know how long they sit there on the itchy grass hugging, but when they pull away, she's still smiling. She presses a kiss to his cheek. “Whoever you fall in love with is going to be a very lucky person, Eddie Kaspbrak.” 

He smiles, but he wonders if Richie feels lucky at all these days. 

.

.

.

It’s a rare Saturday where his mom decides to go out with some friends, so Eddie invites Richie over. It’s raining heavily outside so there’s really nothing for them to do, but Richie doesn’t mind. 

They’re laying on Eddie’s bed with Eddie sprawled over Richie’s chest as the other boy traces different words and shapes along his bare back. Fix You by Coldplay plays from Eddie’s laptop and even though it’s so sad, Eddie’s never felt so content and at ease.

“Okay,” Richie says quietly, “what does this say?” The tip of his finger glides along Eddie’s back and he tries not to shiver at the gentle touch. He closes his eyes and focuses on the movement. 

“Cute,” Eddie says with an eye roll. 

“‘Cause you’re my cute boy.” Richie presses a kiss to the top of his head. “Okay, this one?” 

Eddie smiles. “I love you.” 

“Yeah.” 

“I love you, Richie.” He whispers against his chest. “With all my heart.” 

They don’t get mushy, it’s never been them. They’re all snark and play fighting and yelling, but Eddie feels like he needs to say this. He needs Richie to know that it’s always been him; that it’ll _always_ be him. It’s so important to him that Richie knows this. 

“Yeah?” Richie says softly, his hand has stilled and now his palm is resting against Eddie’s skin. 

“Yeah. It’s always been you, Richie. You know that right?” He’s still speaking into Richie’s chest, so he can’t actually see his face, but he does feel him tense up underneath him. Eddie closes his eyes tightly. He doesn’t know why he suddenly feels like crying, but he does. Maybe it had been the way Richie had asked why they couldn't go public a few weeks ago. Maybe it’s the way Richie’s face had lit up at the movies as Eddie held his hand secretly. Maybe it was the fact that if Beverly and Ben couldn’t even make it; _how the hell were they supposed to_? Maybe it’s the fact that he’s terrified of that reality. 

“It’s always been you, Eds.” It should be some kind of comfort, but the words are said just a little too softly, just a little too sadly. 

“You should stay the night. My mom won’t be back until late and she won’t come in here to check on me if I text her that I’m going to bed already.”

“Are you trying to sleep with me?” 

Eddie snorts and bites at Richie’s arm, which causes him to shriek and then laugh. 

“I’m always trying to sleep with you.” 

“Well, in that case!” 

Richie flips them over so that Eddie is underneath him. His brown eyes look ridiculously huge in his glasses, so he’s able to see the way that they stare down at him in happiness. 

“You’re beautiful,” Eddie tells him, which might be a weird thing to say, but it’s the truth. It’s the simplest way to describe him.

“Careful, Eds. You could make a guy fall in love with you.” 

“Now you know my evil plan, what will you do with me?” 

Richie raises an eyebrow before smiling. “Oh, I know just what to do with you.” 

He leans down and presses their lips together and Eddie loses himself in a kiss that he never wants to end. 

.

.

.

The Losers don’t really do parties. It’s not like they don’t get invited, because they do. Somewhere during their sophomore year, they stopped being _losers_. Beverly hangs out with some nice girls from her English class and Bill is quite possibly the most popular one out of all of them; everyone loves him. Ben and Stan are on the track and field team so they hang out with a lot of the athletes. Richie and Eddie have their own separate friends. Hell, even Mike has somehow rose to fame in the short amount of time that he’s been attending Derry High, but despite all of that they still all gravitate towards each other. It doesn’t matter who they befriend; the Loser Club always remains first and foremost. 

So when Bill gets an invite to Emma Thomas’ birthday party, he invites (forces) everyone to come with him. 

They don’t actually try to object to it. Emma’s a really sweet girl and she’s never been anything but nice to all of them, despite the fact that she’s really only friends with Bill and Stan. 

Her house is huge, like probably bigger than all of theirs combined. They all kind of scatter once they get there. Bill and Stan decide that they feel like dancing outside where a large group of people already are. Beverly takes off once she catches sight of one of her girl friends and Ben watches her sadly from afar. Mike’s invited Hannah, who is now officially his girlfriend, and the two of them make their way to the kitchen for drinks. 

Richie had been whisked away by some of his friends who are in some kind of rock band. He’d promised Eddie he’d return in five minutes, but it’s been fifteen and he’s still not back. Eddie doesn’t mind, though. He’s glad that Richie’s having fun. So he decides to just walk around by himself. He’s never been inside a house so nice and he ends up taking something of a house tour by himself, which is how he finds himself walking in on a half naked girl in an otherwise empty room. 

“Oh, my God!” He says and quickly covers his eyes. “I’m so sorry!” He expects her to start yelling at him, or to even throw something, but instead all he gets is a light laughter. 

“It’s okay, you don’t have to close your eyes. Actually, could you help me with this? My bra strap is all twisted and I can’t fix it.” 

He’s taken aback for a few seconds, but when he finally does let his hand fall from his face, she’s smiling kindly at him. There’s no double meaning in her words and she isn’t looking at him like she wants to sleep with him, so he walks up to her slowly. 

“Uh, sure, yeah. Okay.” 

“Thank you!” She twirls around and Eddie reaches out with shaky fingers to try and fix it for her. He’s done this for Beverly before, so it only takes him a few seconds, which causes the girl to laugh. “Wow, that was quick. You practice or something?” 

“What?”

“Most guys don’t know what the hell to do with a bra strap.” She’s still smiling at him and Eddie tries to place her face, although she does look familiar to him, he’s coming up completely empty. 

“Oh, no, my best friend’s had me help her with stuff like this before.” 

The girl nods. “Cool. So you go to school with my little sister?” Eddie looks at her in confusion and she laughs. “Emma! I’m her sister.” She reaches her hand out for him to shake and he takes it. “You can call me Ginny. My real name is Virginia, but it makes me feel so old.” 

Now it makes sense. She has the same thick, black hair that Emma has except where Emma’s is cut short, Ginny’s falls all the way down to her waist. She has the same big blue eyes as Emma though and their smiles are almost identical. 

“Oh! Sorry, hi. I’m Eddie. Yeah, I’m in her grade.” He pulls his hand away. “You’ve graduated already?” 

“Mhm,” she nods. “I’m in my first semester of college, but I’m visiting for the weekend since it’s her eighteenth birthday. Should have known she’d have a rager.” Eddie just nods, unsure what to say. “Are you two close?” 

“Not really. She’s friends with one of my friends, but we’ve had a few conversations.” 

Ginny nods and moves to her dressers to find a t-shirt. Eddie doesn’t really know what to do, so he just watches her. He doesn’t know if he should leave or what, but she hadn’t dismissed him, and honestly he’s never been one for parties, so he’s not dying to go back downstairs. 

Luckily Ginny doesn’t seem too bothered by him still hanging around in what is obviously her bedroom. 

“You drink?” She asks. “Being in college has taught me how to make some killer mixed drinks.” 

He doesn’t drink, no. But Ginny is really fucking cool and she’s looking at him the same way that Beverly does and he likes that. He doesn’t have many girlfriends, he really just has Bev, and he’s open to the idea of adding Ginny to the list. She seems sweet. 

“Sure,” he says, smiling. 

“Awesome!” 

She leads him back down the stairs and talks to him about college and how boring and yet fun it is. She talks to him like they’re long lost friends and he finds himself enjoying the simple conversation. 

He doesn’t know how long he’d been on his little tour, but when they get back down to the living room, he catches sight of Bev and Ben talking next to a table where people are currently playing beer pong. He smiles at them even though they don’t see him. Maybe coming to this party would be a good thing for them. 

“So what’s your poison?” Ginny asks once they get to the kitchen. A few people notice her and say hi and then greet Eddie like they’re best friends even though he has no idea who any of them are. “I make a mean Sex on The Beach.” She grins at him and he can’t help the way his face goes red. 

“Oh, um, I’ve never actually had anything besides really cheap beer.” 

“Really?” She looks genuinely baffled at first, but then she just shrugs. “Okay, well you’re going to love this. It’s a lot better than cheap beer.” Eddie doesn’t doubt that at all. 

He doesn’t know how much he’s had to drink. Ginny kept handing him over glasses of orange liquid and Eddie found himself loving the taste of it. He also really finds himself loving their conversation. 

He finds out that she’s nineteen years old and studying to be a lawyer, which is super fucking cool to him. She tells him that she hates Derry, but she also misses it, which makes absolutely no sense to him. She rides a freaking motorcycle and is on the cheer team at her college and Eddie thinks she might just be the coolest girl he’s ever met; aside from Beverly, of course. 

He’s taking shots of something, he doesn’t even know what, and he’s way past tipsy, whenever Beverly and Bill find him. 

“Eddie?” Bev asks, looking way too concerned and he doesn’t understand why. “What are you doing?” 

“Bev!” He grins and then laughs. He hops off of the kitchen counter and runs over to the redheaded girl and envelopes her in a tight hug. “I missed you, hey!” Her hand comes up to his back and pats it lightly. 

“R-Richie’s looking f-for you,” Bill says and he’s frowning too. 

“Oh, Richie!” Eddie smiles at the thought of Richie and he looks around, but doesn’t see him. 

“He’s outside,” Beverly says, and she wraps her hand around his wrist. “Come on, lets go.” 

“Okay,” he says happily. “Oh! Ginny, you should come and meet Richie.” 

He turns around to look at his newest friend and she’s giving him an amused smile. At least one person here is having fun with him. 

“It’s okay, Eddie. You go ahead. I’m gonna sit here and drink and probably try to find my boyfriend soon.” She lifts up her half full glass at him with a smile and Eddie nods. 

“Okay, I’ll be back!” 

He turns around to follow his friends and that’s when he realizes that he’s a little more drunk than originally thought. He can’t walk in a straight line and he’s stumbling all over the place, giggling as he does. He focuses on his feet and tries to will them to work. 

“Fucking hell,” a voice rings out and Eddie looks up to see Stan staring at him. “Who gave him drinks?” 

“I don’t know,” Beverly says, sounding annoyed. “He was in the kitchen with some girl. I don’t even know how much he’s had.” 

“Richie’s going to be pissed.” 

The sentence confuses him. Why would Richie be pissed? Eddie’s having fun and isn’t that what parties are all about? Richie should be _happy_ for him. 

“W-w-where is he?” 

Nobody answers the question, but Bev continues to lead him through the house so he assumes that   
someone must know. 

Once they get outside, Eddie shivers. It’s a little too cold out here and despite the fact that his entire body felt hot just a few seconds ago, the cold air takes him off guard. 

“I want to go back inside,” he mumbles. 

“Okay,” Bev says. “We’re going to find Richie and then we’re going home.” 

That’s not what he had meant at all, but okay. 

The backyard is just as vast as the inside of the house had been and Eddie doesn’t understand how they’re supposed to find Richie in this wave of people. Apparently he’s the only one with this concern though, because after a few moments of walking, they stop. 

Eddie blinks a few times and then he sees him. 

Richie is standing next to some guy that Eddie has never seen before. He’s tall and lean and blonde. He blinks again and notices that the guy is handsome; like really, really handsome. He doesn’t know what he’s saying, but Richie’s laughing loudly and Eddie’s stomach lurches at that. He’s the exact opposite of Eddie. 

They’re talking like they’re best friends and they’re way too close to each other. The blonde guy reaches out and tugs on Richie’s hair and Eddie feels like he can’t breathe. 

“What the fuck?” He says without thinking. He doesn’t think he says it too loud, but apparently he does, because Richie and the blonde turn to look at him. The blonde just looks confused, but Richie looks happy and then troubled as he walks over to them. 

“What the hell happened to him?” He asks Beverly, who is still holding onto Eddie like he might fall if she lets go. He actually might. 

“He’s been drinking, like a lot. I found him in the kitchen doing shots.” 

Richie’s gaze lands on Eddie and there’s something in his eyes that makes Eddie’s face go red in embarrassment. 

“Since when do you drink?” 

“Since when do you care?” The words tumble from his lips before he can really think them through. “You left me.” 

Richie looks completely taken aback at the words and he glances over at Bev and then Bill and then back at Eddie. 

“I didn’t leave you, Eddie! I just went to talk to some friends.” 

“Friends,” he snorts. “You sure look friendly.” 

Everyone looks so confused, Richie included, but it’s Stan who speaks up. 

“Okay, are we missing something here? Because it feels like we’re missing something here.” 

“No,” Richie says quickly. “Eddie’s just drunk.” It’s so dismissive and Eddie knows he’s doing it to protect him, to protect his secret, because he feels like he’s about to blurt everything out here and now, but the finality of his tone just pisses him off even more. 

“Fuck you,” Eddie hisses out as cruelly as he can. He doesn’t understand why he’s so angry, or maybe he does, but he’s not ready to confess why just yet. All he knows is that his chest hurts and he can’t stop thinking of that guy flirting Richie and the way Richie seemed so comfortable and happy. He can’t stop thinking about how he doesn’t get to do that with Richie because he’s too scared of what his mommy will think. He’s angry with himself and he doesn’t know how to process that, so he decides to be angry at Richie. 

Richie’s eyes soften and he looks completely broken at the words, at the venom that laces through them, and Eddie wants to take them back. He wishes they never came to this stupid party. He wishes he wasn’t drunk so that he could properly convey his emotions. He wishes he could be better for Richie. 

_What if I’m not good enough?_

Beverly’s words from the other day come back to him and he takes a step back as he realizes that he’s been thinking the same thing this entire time without even realizing it. What if he isn’t good enough? What if Richie wakes up one day and realizes that he’s tired of hiding with Eddie? What if he wakes up and realizes that he could have something open, something real, with that stupid blonde haired asshole? What if he wakes up and realizes that Eddie isn’t worth any of this; that he never was? 

“Eds,” he whispers, breaking him out of his thoughts. “Let's go home, okay? Let me take you home. You’re just a little drunk, it’s okay.” 

Eddie’s shaking his head before Richie even finishes talking. “No. No, I’m going alone. You stay here.” 

“You’re not going anywhere alone!” Richie yells out, almost hysterically. “You’re drunk!” 

“I’ll take him home,” Beverly says. Her aunt had let her borrow her car for the night on the promise that she wouldn’t drink. 

Richie looks torn. It’s obvious he doesn’t want Eddie to leave without him, but Bev’s really the only sober one aside from him and Eddie’s made it abundantly clear that he’s not leaving anywhere with him. 

“You have to make sure that he’s okay,” Richie finally says. “Don’t… don’t let him go inside alone.” 

“Okay, Richie,” she promises. 

She reaches out to grab ahold of Eddie’s hand and it’s only then that he realizes how clammy his hands are. He looks down at their hands and then back up again. He hadn’t realized, but sometime during all of this, Ben and Mike had found their way back to them. Everyone is looking at Eddie like he’s lost his mind and maybe he has. 

“Do you need me to come back and pick you guys up?” 

Bill opens his mouth to say something, but then the stupid blonde asshole is speaking up from where he stands next to Richie and _when the hell did he get here_?

“I can take them home,” he says and his voice is so kind that Eddie wants to punch him. 

“You don’t need to do that, Erik.” 

Erik. Fucking _Erik_. Maybe Richie has a thing for guys whose names start with an E. 

“It’s not a problem at all. I have the van, so there’s enough room.” He turns to Beverly. “There’s no need for you to be driving all around town when it’s already so late.”

Eddie glares at him, but no one’s paying attention to him anymore. Not even Richie. 

“You want some company?” Ben asks Bev. 

“No, no. It’s okay. You’re having fun. I’ll call you tomorrow, okay?” 

Ben nods. “Be safe. Text me when you’re home.” He kisses Beverly on the cheek and Eddie feels like crying. He wants Richie to kiss him on the cheek like that in front of their friends. He realizes that it’s his own fucking fault that he can’t. 

“Come on, honey,” Beverly says to him softly. She doesn’t sound mad at him and he’s thankful for that. 

Before they go inside the house, Eddie turns around to look back at their friends. 

Richie is looking back at him with the saddest eyes Eddie’s ever seen. 

.

.

.

“I don’t want to go home,” Eddie whispers as Bev starts heading back into town. She’d given him a bottle of water from the kitchen and he’s been drinking it, so while he’s definitely _not_ sober, he’s not as drunk as he had been. The whole ordeal outside had also helped take away that buzzed feeling. 

“Do you want to sleep over?” She asks, easily. 

“Can I?” 

“Of course, Eddie.” 

“My mom will be furious.” For some reason, the idea makes him laugh. 

Beverly doesn’t laugh. “I can text her and act like I’m you. I don’t think you’re capable of texting right now. I’ll just tell her you’re sleeping at Bill’s. She loves Bill.” 

Eddie nods and pulls his phone out of his pants. Beverly pulls the car over in front of an empty playground and puts it in park. She takes his phone and begins typing away on it while Eddie stares out of the window and at the empty swing set. He wants to swing, so he gets out of the car and walks towards it. 

“Eddie!” Beverly calls out, following him in a rush. “What are you doing? It’s freezing out here!” 

“I want to swing.” 

His legs seems to be moving on their own and he doesn’t stop until he’s sitting in the cold plastic seat. 

“Eddie,” Beverly sighs. “What’s wrong?” 

What’s wrong. It’s a simple question and it could have a simple answer. He supposes there are a lot of things that are wrong with him, but the main thing, the thing he wants to admit, he’s not sure how to. He looks up at Beverly, at her kind eyes and the sad look on her face and he wants to tell her. He wants, more than anything, to just stop lying. He wants to stop pretending that he isn’t in love with Richie. 

“I’m a liar,” is all he says. Bev’s eyebrows furrow in confusion and Eddie bites at his lip to stop himself from crying. Why did he have to drink? Do people always cry when they’re drunk? He hates this. 

“What are you talking about?” She nearly cries out. “Eddie, _what’s wrong_?” 

“Can you keep a secret?” He asks and looks up at her with a wobbly smile. When she nods, he finally says the words that he’s been wanting to say for years. “I’m in love with Richie.” 

Her eyes widen for a moment before they soften and then she moves forward to kneel in front of him. He can’t look at her, he doesn’t want to look at her, but then she reaches out and places both of her hands onto his knees gently. He places his hands on top of hers.

“Eddie, honey, why are you crying?” He hadn’t realized that he was until he feels the water droplets land on his hands. “ I don’t… why does that make you sad?” 

“It doesn’t,” he says through his tears. “I’ve been dating him for almost a year.” This time her eyes widen and they stay that way. Her mouth drops open in shock and she blinks a few times like she’s trying to wrap her head around that. “And I love him, Bev. I love him… so much and I can’t tell anyone.” 

“Why not? Why can’t you tell anyone? I don’t understand.” 

“Because my mom will never accept it. She’ll send me away. She’ll… she’ll hate me.” There it is. It doesn’t matter how rocky his relationship with his mom is. It doesn’t matter that he’s fully aware she might be the most toxic thing in his life. The fact of the matter is: his mom will hate him if he tells her he’s gay and then what? She’s the only family he has. It all boils down to that. If he loses his mom, he loses everything. 

“She won’t hate you, Eddie.” But even she doesn’t sound like she believes it. 

“Yes, she will. She will, Beverly.” He’s crying harder now. “And I don’t want to care. I want to be able to choose Richie over her but… she’s all I have. She’s the only family I have.” 

“That’s not true.” Beverly’s eyes harden. “She is not the only family you have. She’s your mother, but is she really your family? Eddie, all she does is make you feel like shit. Family doesn’t do that. _I’m_ your family. Richie is your family. Bill, Stan, Mike, and Ben? They’re all your family. _We are your family_. If your mother can’t love you, we always will. You’ll never be alone, Eddie.” 

Through his blurry vision, he sees Beverly looking at him just as brokenly. He wants to believe her, he does, but he doesn’t know if he can. 

“Do you promise?” He whispers. 

A single tear falls down Beverly’s cheek. “I promise, Eddie.” She reaches up and cups his cheek with her hand before leaning towards him to press a kiss against his forehead. “I love you, Eddie. If your mom kicks you out, you can stay with me, okay? My aunt won’t mind. You’ll always have a place here.” 

“Thank you,” he says and now he’s crying for an entirely different reason. “I love you too, Bev.” 

She smiles at him. “Now, we can swing all night long, but you need to talk to Richie tomorrow, okay? I think you really worried him tonight.” 

Shame floods over him for multiple reasons. He had acted like a complete jackass tonight and Richie hadn’t deserved any of it. He also knows just how against drinking is and the fact that Eddie not only got drunk, but acted like a complete dick _while_ drunk? He’s sure that Richie is in a different kind of pain right now. 

“Do you still have my phone? I want to text him.” 

Beverly hands it over and he’s not surprised to see that the only message is from his mother telling him that she loves him and to be safe at the Denbrough’s. 

He goes to his and Richie’s thread and smiles at the last text. It’s a selfie that Richie had sent him earlier, asking if his outfit looked okay. He looked amazing, he always does. 

He hesitates for a while, not sure what exactly to say. In the end, he keeps it simple. 

_I’m so sorry for tonight. We need to talk tomorrow. I love you. _

He and Beverly stay there at the park for a while, not really saying anything, just swinging in silence. 

“You know,” she says after a while, “it makes sense; you and Richie. I don’t think there have ever been two people who made more sense than you two.” 

“I don’t know. You and Ben are kind of perfect.” 

Bev laughs. “Hardly, but we’re working on it. I was wrong, though. We should fall in love and we should fall in love completely and irrevocably. It’s like you said: It’s the best thing we can have.” 

Eddie smiles back at her. For the first time in a while, he thinks he knows what to do. 

.

.

.

Bev’s aunt makes them pancakes and bacon in the morning and she even gives Eddie extra helpings, something his mother never does. It’s delicious and he thanks her several times before he leaves. 

Richie had never texted him back, and he can’t say that he blames him. He’d gotten word from Bill though, that Richie had gotten home safe and sound around two in the morning. So he heads over to the Tozier residence as soon as he showers at home. His mother asks him where he’s going and he just tells her he needs to do some research at the library. She doesn’t question him. 

Maggie Tozier answers the door and Eddie can tell she’s already been drinking despite the fact that it’s barely eleven in the morning. She looks at him through bleary eyes as if she’s trying to place exactly who he is, and then she smiles crookedly. 

“Oh, Eddie dear, how are you?” 

“I’m good, Mrs. Tozier. Is Richie home?” 

“Richie?” She questions, as if she has another son. “Yes, I think he’s still asleep.” 

“Is it okay if I go check on him?” 

“Of course, darling. Yes.” She moves aside for him and he gives her one last forced smile before making his way to Richie’s room. 

Sure enough, the lights are off and the room is so dark that you wouldn’t be able to tell it’s daylight otherwise. There’s a lump under the covers and a mess of black curls on the only pillow on the bed and Eddie smiles as he watches Richie sleep. He doesn’t watch him for long, only a few moments. He looks so comfortable and peaceful and Eddie wishes he could always look like this. Richie doesn’t deserve to have to deal with all the horrible things in the world. He doesn’t deserve to deal with what Eddie’s been putting him through either. 

He takes off his shoes and tiptoes over to the bed. They’ve done this a hundred times before, but for some reason he worries that Richie will push him away once he realizes he’s here. 

As soon as Eddie crawls onto the bed, Richie stirs a little. He doesn’t open his eyes though. 

“Eddie?” He mumbles, voice deep and scratchy. 

“Yeah, it’s me. Go back to bed.” 

“You’re here.” 

“Yes.” 

Richie hums out and Eddie settles in behind him. 

“Can you hold me?” Richie asks, words barely coherent. 

Eddie doesn’t say anything. He just reaches out and wraps an arm around Richie tightly as he presses himself into the other boy’s back. Richie hums again and links his fingers through Eddie’s. 

He presses a kiss into Richie’s hair and before he closes his eyes to sleep, he whispers, “I love you.” 

He wakes up a few hours later to Richie coming out of the bathroom. He blinks a few times and sits up in the bed. 

“Hi,” Richie says. He looks a little wary, like he’s not sure if Eddie’s over whatever happened last night. 

“Hi,” Eddie echoes. He moves to the edge of the bed. “Look, Richie, we need to talk.” 

A hollow laugh leaves his mouth. “Eddie, if this is you breaking up with me then please just… just don’t, okay? I get it. You don’t have to say anything.” 

Eddie blinks. _What?_

“Why the hell do you think I’m breaking up with you?” 

“Aren’t you?” 

“No! No. Look,” he sighs. “Can you come over here?” Richie does as he’s asked and goes to sit next to Eddie on the bed. He looks so lost and confused and Eddie hates that he put it there. 

“First, I need to apologize for last night. You didn’t deserve that. I don’t know what was wrong with me.” _Yes he does. _

“Yes you do,” Richie says like he can read Eddie’s mind. “But I don’t. So can you please explain to me why my boyfriend decided to be a total asshole for no reason?” 

“I don’t know, I guess I was drinking and I saw you with that guy and I just… got jealous.” Richie raises an eyebrow and looks at Eddie like he’s gone insane. “He was flirting with you!” 

“Erik?” Richie nearly screeches. “Are you kidding me, Eddie? He’s dating some girl in college! He’s like twenty-one! He was only at that party because her little sister was the one throwing it.” 

Eddie looks at him in confusion before he realizes that he’s talking about Ginny. 

“He… what? He was flirting with you. I saw him! He tugged on your hair.” He’s starting to realize just how stupid he sounds. 

“My hair?” Richie repeats, incredulously. “He was tugging on my hair because there was a ladybug in it!” He stands up from the bed and glares down at Eddie. “You know what, you don’t get to be jealous! Not when I’m just your dirty little secret.” 

“What?” 

“That’s all I am, Eds, and you know it. That’s all I’m ever going to be.” 

Eddie shakes his head. “No, Rich, no. That’s what I wanted to talk to you about.” 

“And I can’t be your dirty secret anymore. I thought I could, but what happens when we leave for college? You’ll leave me. I’ll just be Richie Tozier; the dude you had a little fling with. You’ll find someone new, someone who you’ll love enough to show the world and I’ll just be a sad story you tell to them.” Richie’s eyes are watering and Eddie looks at him in horror. He’s wrong, he’s so fucking wrong, but Eddie can’t tell him that. He’s so thrown off by everything that’s coming out of his boyfriend’s mouth. “I love you so fucking much, but I can’t do this anymore, Eds. I can’t. At some point I have to love myself too.” 

And there it is. Eddie’s heart breaks right in his chest. He knows that Richie’s a little different from them. He doesn’t have the same kind of family that they all do. They’re all a little odd and maybe even strained in some cases, but they know they have parents who love them. Richie doesn’t. His parents are worthless and Eddie hates them. They don’t know how to love him and Eddie doesn’t understand it. Sometimes he wants to grab Mr. and Mrs. Tozier by their shoulders and yell at them. He wants to ask them why it’s so hard for them to love Richie when he is such an _easy_ person to love. 

A lot of things don’t come easy to Eddie in life, but loving Richie Tozier is the easiest thing he’s ever done. 

“I’m sorry,” he whispers as he stands up. “I am so sorry that I ever made you feel like I didn’t love you enough, because that’s so far from the truth. I love you, Richie, completely and with everything inside of me. I have always loved you and believe me when I say, there will never be anyone else. You are _it_ for me. If you were to walk away from me right now, I wouldn’t find someone else.” He reaches out to take Richie’s hand. The other boy is trying to hold it together, but a few stray tears fall. “You’re it; you’re everything. There ain’t no me if there ain’t no you.” 

“Did you just quote Supernatural to me?” Richie says through a choked laugh. “Seriously, Eds?” 

“I did, because we really need to finish it already.” Eddie smiles. “I told Beverly about us.” 

“What?” Richie’s eyes widened. “Why?” 

“Well because I was having a major breakdown in my drunkenness, but also because you deserve to be with someone who isn’t scared of telling the world about you.” 

“But… your mom.” 

“Fuck her,” Eddie says and he laughs when Richie blinks in surprise. “I know what real love is and it isn’t the kind of love she gives. It’s you. Real love is you. I choose you, Richie. Always.” 

“Fuck,” he sobs and then laughs. “That’s so fucking cheesy, Eddie. Have you been watching soap operas?” 

“Shut up, Trashmouth, I’m confessing my love to you!” 

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry. Continue.” 

“I’m done now, you narcissist.” 

Their laughter floods the room and Richie brings Eddie into him and presses their lips together. Eddie can taste the saltiness of their tears, but he can feel Richie’s smile against his and he feels like the world’s biggest weight has been lifted off of his shoulders. 

“And I was thinking,” Eddie says softly, “about college. California seems like such a beautiful place and UCLA seems like it could be a great place for a higher education.” 

Richie’s smile grows. “You wanna go to UCLA with me?” 

“I’d go anywhere with you, Rich.” He cups Richie’s face in his hands. “You really think I could go four years without you? No way.” 

“You’re obsessed.” 

“Maybe a little.” 

Richie laughs and kisses him again. It’s a simple peck this time, but Eddie loves it all the same. 

“We don’t have to tell your mom,” Richie says. “I’ve never cared about telling her. I just want to tell our friends. We only have a few months left here in Derry and then we never have to come back. It’ll be me and you in California and we won’t have to worry about overbearing mothers and all the small minded people here. We’ll be free.” 

“Free,” Eddie repeats. It sounds perfect. “Okay.” 

Richie smiles. “I can’t believe you were jealous of Erik.” 

“Oh my fucking God.” 

“Like actually jealous! That’s so cute.” 

“Richie. Shut up.” 

“So like how jealous? On a scale of 1-10? Were you about to fight him for my love?” 

“Beep fucking beep, Richie.” 

.

.

.

**To: Losers Club**

**Eddie: I’m in love with Richie. **

**Stan: ?????? **

**Bev: :D YAY! **

**Bill: ????????????? **

**Stan: ?????????????!!!!!!!!**

**Mike: That’s awesome, Eddie! I’m happy for you guys. :) **

**Ben: Awwww! **

**Stan: ?????????? **

**Richie: Wtf is up with Stan and Bill **

**Stan: Dude, Bill and I saw you guys making out like…. four months ago. We were just waiting for you to say something. **

**Eddie: !!!!!!! WHAT THE FUCK, STAN**

**Bill: It was cute :) **

**Eddie: I hate you guys. **

**Richie: Except me. He’s in love with me. **

**Eddie: :) Except you.**

**Stan: Gross. Put a dollar in the mush jar. **

**Mike: The mush jar doesn’t exist, Stan. If it did, you and Bill would owe us a lot of money. **

**Richie: Did he tell you guys that he was jealous of Erik last night?! **

**Ben: AHAHAHAHA WHAT**

**Mike: EXPLAIN**

**Stan: LMFAO, I’M SORRY WHAT**

** _Eddie has left the chat _ **

“Are you ever going to shut up about that?” Eddie groans from where his head is resting on Richie’s lap. 

“Not a chance, babe.” He leans down and sloppily kisses Eddie. “Too cute!” 

Eddie rolls his eyes, but Richie’s laughing and he’s happy and so really? It’s all worth it.

**Author's Note:**

> please let me know what you think! 
> 
> you can find me on tumblr @ joaquin-desantos <3


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